We all have anger and rage, they are, after all normal emotions and emotions are just energy in motion – we choose where and how we put that energy into motion. Therefore we DO have a choice on where or what we put our energies into. Confused??? Well read on and I will tell you more!
Often people say to me…”I just feel out of control”, “people MAKE me feel this way”, “I just snap!”, “I can’t control my outbursts”, “its because of them I act like this”…. etc etc etc… I could write a whole page on real comments like this that people say. Well the truth is we CAN control our own emotions, other people DON’T make us feel a certain way, we CHOOSE how we feel and we can choose how we want to feel! This may not come easy to some people (or to many people) until they learn about themselves, become more self-aware of thoughts, feelings, behaviours, reactions etc. Learning to recognise the triggers, the things, people or situations that causes us to get angry and lose control. Once you learn what your triggers are and understand why they are happening then its about finding ways to control your anger or rage.
Here is something for you to think about… when your loved ones, family, friends, partners, work colleagues or basically anyone who sees you lose control what do you think they see? It can be very frightening, especially if someone has had negative past experiences or been the victim of anger at some point in their life. You have to put yourself into their shoes for that moment and actually see and feel what they do… once you do, ask yourself ‘what are they actually seeing?’ Are they seeing someone to look up to? A great role model? Someone they want to be like? Someone they admire or are inspired by? Someone to be proud of?….. I can tell you that the answer to all those questions will be NO and should be NO! What people see is someone they dont like, someone they dont want to be around, someone who is seen as intimidating and frightening. You place fear, worry, stress and anxiety into people who see that. They want to run away from it, no-one wants to be around someone who is out of control and worrying about what the next action is going to be…. a slap, a punch, a hole punched in the wall, something thrown, personal damage, physical hurt, emotional pain and fear… the list goes on! Then after the anger outburst comes the sorries, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it”, “It just happened so quick”, “I just snapped”, “I didn’t mean to”, “It wont happen again”…….
……….. until the next time!
There are many reasons why a person gets angry. As I have said earlier in this post that anger is a normal emotion, it’s one of our many emotions along with happiness, joy, love, sadness, excitement, fear, surprise etc. But its how we manage it, how we control it that is important. When anger is out of control it can be destructive and very damaging to the people around us and to personal belongings and property.
We have to learn and understand how to control anger while also understanding in the first instance what causes us to get angry, what is it that irritates or frustrates us so much that causes us to have angry outbursts. It can be down to wanting to be heard, getting your point across or wanting to make clear what your needs are etc. and all this can be done without being aggressive, demanding, controlling, pushy or putting fear into others when they see you like they have not seen you before (unless sadly and unfortunately for many it is repetitive behaviour and some people feel stuck in aggressive relationships). So the ultimate goal is to learn how to control your anger and stay in control, not allowing anger to control you but rather you controlling your anger.
Anger management can help you learn how to control your emotions and reduce the emotional feelings and physiological arousal that anger causes. Some people have sadly been brought up in aggressive surroundings where anger has been the norm for them, being a small child seeing it from an early age and throughout best part of their childhood which can cause issues with relationships, friendships and life in general.
The fact is there will always be people, things or situations that irritate and frustrate you to a point where you feel your anger emotion start to spiral but you CAN learn how to deal with these situations or irritations in a way that keeps you in control. We all have arguments and disagreements with others in life over one thing or another but when two people disagree to a point where it escalates it can become a very aggressive and intense situation which can lead to threats or physical violence. The fact is in situations like that where two people are disagreeing to a point of arguing, does anyone really get heard? The answer is NO! It just becomes an uncomfortable noise and uncomfortable situation – people shouting above each other and who can become the loudest! People just getting louder and louder as their aggression rises, each person wanting to get their point across, each person wanting to be heard, wanting their point to be understood and wanting their needs met etc and it escalates from there unless someone decides to stop and walk away. Some people think it is a weakness to stop and walk away but it takes strength, pride and respect to be the one who stops and walks away. It is not a weakness, it is a sign that you are in control. You are in control of you and you are in control of your own emotions. You really can learn to control your reactions and responses.
There are lots of tool and techniques that can help you control your anger, however some people may need some anger management coaching or counselling which can help not just in the short term but long term too. So after reading this post, if you or someone you know has problems with anger or maybe you (or someone you know) is the victim of anger and needs some help, support and guidance then visit the Mood Breakers session booking page on the website and book a session. Alternatively drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org